I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the “why” part of my miracle. Things such as:
Why me?
Why did I get a second chance?
What did I do to deserve this?
How are you going to use this?
I wrote this thought down in my journal during this past Sunday’s sermon:
“It feels at times, well, a lot of the time, that God went hard after me. I’m not sure why.”
He didn’t wait for me to come to Him on my own (maybe because He knew I had pretty much thrown myself off the cliff and was on my way to the bottom); growing up in the church, I’ve always had the opportunity, but I’ve always managed to find something else to occupy my time and thoughts. I feel like the sickness and transplant surgery happened to some degree for Him to show me that it is Him – period, He is all I ever needed, and he’s been right there waiting; however, this time, it’s as though He was done with waiting. At times, in the still of the night and conversations with Him, I could almost hear, “It’s time. Its time for you to be uncomfortable and understand that I’m the only thing you need, I want you reliant on me, so this isn’t going to be easy, hang on. It’s going to be worth it, and I got you.” It was uncomfortable and unpleasant. There are still aspects of both. It was not easy, and I wasn’t easy to deal with, but that forging in the fire burnt so much junk and crap off me that had to come off.
Why did He go so hard for me and seemingly not for others?” What I mean by this is that I’ve seen and heard others going through similar things or even worse things, such as cancer that on the cover appears that prayer “fell on deaf ears.” I know this isn’t true, but it appears that way. I need to take the Job approach (Job 38) essentially: don’t ask God, walk in His footsteps.
I’ve heard that God is a gentleman who waits for an invite… I don’t think I agree with that! I think in my case, he breached the wall, reached in, and snatched me from assured death without any input from me. According to Paul in his letter to the Colossians, it happened the minute I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. (Colossians 3) Its now time to lean into it and live it.
His hands were all over the transplant process, from the hardline NO, you’re not getting a transplant here (San Antonio) to the waiting for a bed in Houston to the less than 24 hours of being on the list and to the surgery.
This hasn’t been an easy journey, and it still isn’t, but I’ve felt Him throughout all of this; when I was in so much pain I couldn’t form words or think of what to say, I would say, “You know whats going on, so I’m just going to chill here in your arms and rest.”